Mmouse Enterprises HQ1
Memphis, Tenn.
September 9, 2019
(MM: Mickey, LM: Lawrence Mason)
LM: Good afternoon members of the press, I am privileged to be introducing the Chairman of the Board here shortly, but I first wanted to bring everyone up to speed. Yesterday, the Chairman revealed in a brief press release his latest brainchild: the Premier Athlete Tournament Roulette. This was an idea which Mickey presented to the Board on Friday and which received unanimous approval. Mickey’s knack for innovation in the industry is second to none and has led the way for Mmouse Enterprises to dominate sports entertainment in the past. It was his idea to conceive the “Immunity Championship”, it was his idea to conceive the “Total Anarchy Match”, and even he was the one who pitched the idea for there to be an Undisputed Champion of the World. There are so many other areas where Mickey’s creativity has revolutionized this sport, and now the latest creation – the tournament to declare one athlete as the “Premier Athlete” – will take the industry by storm. Without any further delay, here is Mickey.
MM: Thank you, Lawrence. I know my detractors certainly didn’t think I still had it in me to change the game, but here we are. I realize that this seems to be just another tournament, but it is truly different in numerous ways. The unpredictability of this prestigious tournament will make it the annual talk of the industry. With so many possibilities – from the random selection of tournament entrants and opponents at each round to the random match stipulation as well as the high stakes prizes which comes with winning the whole damn thing -, we will not see anything like this ever duplicated anywhere else. I have ensured that the winner of this tournament will be unquestionably the undisputed Premier Athlete not just of the PWI, but of all professional wrestling! The best part about this tournament is that no one – not even the athletes involved – will have a clue about when it will start, nor will they have the ability to plan for it.
Much has happened in the industry as we prepare for its revival in the coming months. I look forward to the competition and to dominating that competition all over again. In my assessment, this tournament will serve as one of the essential components in guaranteeing that Mmouse Enterprises remains the best in the business. Now, for your brief questions.
ESPN: Just before you came out, Lawrence said that this idea received the unanimous support of the Board. I assume that means Catherine thought it was a great idea. Right?
MM: Seeing that she was in Nashville at the time of the meeting, she had no say in the matter. Catherine has been busy trying to prove that she is somehow above the fray ever since I denied her the right to force the people into watching a main event at From Dusk Til Dawn which was not worthy of the coveted spot. She can pretend all she wants that she will not lash out at Benny or even myself, but I know her, and I feel the need to remind the people out there of how Catherine rose to prominence in the first place. Her whole professional life has been shrouded in controversy that she orchestrated for her own gain.
Pro Wrestling Illustrated: So, you admit to vetoing the Women’s Main Event at From Dusk Til Dawn?
MM: Yes, because the FRED v. Armageddon match – or the battle of the monsters – was the last great dream match that we had never seen and which we had been building up since the Third Era’s peak in late-2003, long before the original From Dusk Til Dawn. Not only was Amazon and Athena Starr’s match not main event caliber on such a grand stage, but we had seen the damn match before. Don’t get me wrong, they had a great battle that night, but the fight those people had paid good money to see was the true main event…and the final showdown between Slammu and Splinter. Simply put, as a veteran wrestling promoter who led this industry despite numerous efforts by competitors to topple us, I know a main event when I see one. We are not in the business of charity matches or politically correct grandstanding. We are in the business of providing the consumer with the best possible entertainment that their hard earned money can buy. When I see a match – regardless of the division – worthy of main eventing a show, you can guarantee that I will book it in a heartbeat.
NBC Sports: Are you implying that Catherine is looking for charity cases or “politically correct grandstanding”?
MM: I’m just saying that my daughter is more impulse than logic. She puts on a great show of being this progressive leader, but the truth is that she blindly follows her heart when her business mind – a mind I gave her, by will of my testicular superiority – knows better. I suspect we will see this contrast between our styles come January.
HBO Sports: Shifting gears now as we segue with your mention of the January debut, is it reasonable to say once and for all that the rumors about an earlier start were never grounded in truth?
MM: I’m going to say that any talk of a premature start is not worthy of my time or further comment. Next.
PBS: Are you still clamoring for ways to get Benny to sell stocks of your company to you?
MM: I didn’t realize that Big Bird and the Count covered professional wrestling. I don’t watch preschool television, nor am I willing to see you as anything but another charity case.
Sports Illustrated: Back to the Premier Athlete Tournament Roulette, why not just bring back the King of the Ring?
MM: Because the King of the Ring tournament outlived its usefulness with the last tournament in 2002 under the USWA banner. While I always enjoyed the King of the Ring tournament and while some were wanting us to bring it back, I recognized that we needed a new concept, a creative twist on the old pursuit of the crown. So, we took what was great about the King of the Ring and made it better…significantly better. Unlike the King of the Ring, this tournament will be very unpredictable and very unconventional. The winner will have to survive more obstacles and challenges than Indiana Jones, and the prize at the end will empower that superstar – er, Premier Athlete – to control their own destiny and make a mark that will never be forgotten.
CBS Sports: When looking at the power given to the Premier Athlete, it is incredible to think of the choices they have. One such power, the one which stuck out to me when I was reading the update on the website, is the power for the Premier Athlete to become “Boss for a day”. Is there any fear in the Board or even for yourself as to what that particular power could reap for the company if it was left to malicious hands?
MM: Admittedly, there was some apprehension in making that power one of the options for the winner of the tournament. I must remind everyone that the winner will only have two choices out of the five prize options for power: three title shots of their choosing, boss for a day, automatic entry as a third finalist in the next tournament, immunity, and controlling all of their match stipulations for the duration of the season. Each of those options is worthy of consideration and can change the winner’s career forever. They must also remember when and if they choose to be boss for a day that they are only boss for a single day, no more. There are consequences for every action, including the misuse of power. So, my advice to the mystery competitors is simply this: may the Premier Athlete win, and may they choose wisely! Thank you, everyone, I must be going now!