Mmouse Enterprises Press Conference

Mmouse Enterprises HQ1

Memphis, Tennessee

October 20, 2019

(MM: Mickey Mouse)

*Mickey approaches the podium*

MM: I don’t apologize for the late hour of this press conference. After everything that you people and that idiot in Connecticut have put me and this company through over the past week, you know damn well you want to hear what I have to say here and I say it on my terms, and my terms called for an overnight press conference because I know that you leeches were ready to slither on over into those seats and listen. Don’t worry, though, when I am done here you will get a chance to bombard me with your predictable onslaught of stupidity-laced questions which I will entertain only because I am great like that.

Anyways, on to the business of the drama you all experienced this past week. Let’s start at the beginning, actually, which far predates what we all just endured in this manufactured crisis of conscience. Let’s travel all the way back to 2004, yes, 15 years ago. Catherine, my wonderful, intelligent, and super-wise daughter, proposed to me an idea to make history in the wrestling world. You see, we were in the midst of the so-called “Third Era” and competition in the industry was at its greatest up to that date. My daughter, whom I had only known for a short period of time since she had not long before this revealed herself to me and the world as my illegitimate child, was now in a position of power which I felt was earned by her apparent display of persistence and business acumen – an obvious sign that she was my child which was only later supported by my mandatory paternity test -, and she was determined to stick it to the competition.

Her radical idea would be centered around her – acting as a relentless feminist – promoting Amazon into the world championship scene. I was not a fan of the idea, because I was always taught that men and women should never lay hands on one another, but Catherine insisted that Amazon be treated as an equal. I admittedly had to ponder the idea for a week before I finally gave her the green light. At the time, the Heartbreak Punk was our champion, which he had won shortly after a controversial $200 Million contract buyout wherein I managed to coerce my brother Vinny, who managed Benny’s developmental promotion at the time, to sell Punk’s contract to me in a deal which gave Vinny $180 Million and the rest to HBP himself. Benny was livid about the fact that I had nabbed HBP from under him despite the fact that Benny only held onto that contract to spite me while simultaneously going out of his way to bury HBP as a permanent jobber overseen by Vinnie.

Why is the HBP part of this story relevant? Because much of the bad business blood between Benny and I stems from the fact that I shocked the world by bringing HBP back, and pushing him to the world title. At the time it was a major ratings boost for the UWA, and it was a crucial component in not only achieving a series of victories over the UWF but also in wiping out Murrey’s LWF. Numerous lawsuits ensued following this sea-changing moment and after I won in court, Benny was hell bent on revenge and hasn’t looked back ever since. Benny did - however – succeed in promoting a propaganda campaign against the Heartbreak Punk which turned a portion of our fanbase against HBP, so we were scrambling for a reset for his story. I knew HBP needed a new foe, one who would help us stay on top, but I couldn’t quite figure out who it should be. That is where Catherine came in with her idea.

I felt in my bones that it was wrong to have HBP square off against a woman for his championship, but I came to admit that the concept of this veteran of our company competing against who was already at the time one of the greatest and most feared women in wrestling was compelling. So, I told Catherine and Amazon to proceed with the plan, because I knew it would work with HBP being the quintessential man of the supposed “old boys network” appearing in the feminist mindset to be holding women back. In the end, on Halloween night in 2004 – 15 years ago as of 11 days from now -, Amazon became the first woman in the history of this business to win a world championship. While she only held the gold once, and while it lasted a mere month, it was a groundbreaking moment for the industry and for women overall.

Needless to say, we didn’t do much more of that in the remaining months of UWA’s original run. Nor did we attempt it in UWA’s second run or in the PWI’s initial run which ended 5 years ago. I have maintained over the course of my long career an opposition to violence against women, but I knew that Catherine had an objective, and I respected it. Her leadership during that experience, combined with the leadership she displayed in the second UWA run was ultimately what led me to hand her the reins without any interference from me during the PWI. I felt the time had come to give her unfettered power…that was until From Dusk Til Dawn 3.

In May, as we were preparing the negotiations for that final Joint Extravaganza, I initially allowed Catherine to represent our company in talks with her uncle. At first, everything seemed harmless. Hell, Catherine even played a key role in securing the long-desired FRED v. Armageddon match, but it was when I noticed Benny was attempting to manipulate her and was actually achieving some success in that mission that I decided it was time to intervene. I don’t like stepping on Catherine’s toes, but she could not see how Benny was undermining her and was convincing her of her greatness all the while he was molding this epic show in his image, if you will. In Early June, I approached Catherine and told her to beware of her uncle, but she pushed back and went on a tangent about how Benny respected her more than I. I knew then that we were in a crisis and that I had to act to save my company from being disgraced by Benny’s efforts of sabotage.

So, that’s when I “meddled” in the negotiations and forced the issue of the main event that night. Out of protest, Catherine told me she would boycott the show. Well, what many people later came to realize, we were already planning our opening show for a new era of the PWI and it was my plan to announce some of the matches for that card at the show. To spite me, Catherine – who maintains a significant amount of control in the company – changed the Extreme Rules Battle Royal to include ten women when my original plan was for it to only involve ten men. Perhaps this was an effort to sabotage the match, maybe it was her hoping to build on the revolutionary moment of Amazon becoming champion in 2004, or maybe she just lost her damn mind. I don’t know what compelled her to add this twist to the opening show, but what I do know is that the backlash to the announcement of that match was immediate.

This may be hard for people to believe, but I profoundly respect my daughter…even today. It was always my intention to let her run the show…again. Yet, I was alarmed by the obvious recklessness of her decision-making. I quietly protested the match change that she had made for the next month until the backlash started to wind down. We, after all, had to get to work on planning for the first few months of the sixth era. I had come to feel that Catherine had to witness the failure of her idea unfold in the public eye as a disaster.

When Benny started reviving the controversy about a month ago I was not on speaking terms with Catherine at the time, but I did send her a series of cautionary letters warning that this was a sign of things to come if she maintained her course of forcing equality in an industry as violent as professional wrestling. Man on woman violence is just too sensitive an issue to recreate it in any form via our brand of entertainment. Through Benny’s insincere public appeals for us to change the match, he did say one accurate thing: it was a grotesque idea. The only thing he and everyone got wrong was this notion that it was my idea.

It should speak volumes that Catherine refused for weeks to cancel the match or to even speak out about it as she would do in dramatic fashion 6 days ago. I opposed the intergender setting from the start, but I threatened to veto the soap opera-style proposal to change it because I wanted Catherine to learn her lesson without looking like a phony hero. Two things have been true about my daughter since I met her in 2003: 1) she is as ruthless as I am, and is even willing to work with me when it suits her, and 2) she will turn me into the villain the moment that it helps create the myth that she is the hero.

I repeat what I said in my press release hours ago: I will not resign, nor will I call on anyone else to resign. Enough with this charade and let’s get back to business. Now, on to your questions.

NBC Sports: Mickey, what is your objection to removing intergender wrestling? Are you advocating for this programming, or are you just asserting your dominance over your daughter?

MM: *Looking at the reporter with a dumbfounded expression* Did you seriously not hear anything I just said? I opposed serious intergender wrestling from the start. My only objection to the vote just taken by the Board was that it was an attempt to force me to vote with Catherine and make her look like a champion for women’s safety when it was her damn, foolish idea which endangered them to begin with! I will not be anyone’s scapegoat. I am not looking to dominate my daughter. She would do wise to pay attention to me, as I have much wisdom to absorb.

Sports Illustrated: What are your thoughts now about the opening event since the Board vote did not go your way?

MM: Well, what’s done is done. Now, we have a card more closely reflecting what I wanted all along. It will be a great show, that I am damn sure of.

HBO Sports: Will the women get their own Extreme Rules Battle Royal?

MM: Well, that’s something I am certainly considering. Perhaps the women on Asylum will come to see that I honestly do respect and adore their efforts when they see how much I promote them as all will see in PWI’s third season.

CBS Sports: If you respect the women on your roster so much and are looking out for their safety, then why were you so adamant about opposing a women’s draft prior to them having 50 women, as your initial demand suggested?

MM: Umm, because splitting a roster of 20 superstars of either gender is just stupid. Does that explain things enough for you? I realize that all of you are still recovering from the fog of lies about me as spread by my daughter and should’ve-been-aborted sibling, but you really need to think about this logically.

ESPN: Since you mentioned the controversy in your introduction, do you have any regrets about the acquisition of HBP in 2004?

MM: No. I don’t regret any business decision I have ever made. It worked for my company at the time, and I won in court. Benny would later get some semblance of revenge in the 2011 draft when he AGAIN drafted HBP and AGAIN relegated him to benchwarming in a company which itself became the home of benchwarmers. So, considering all of that, I would say we were even…although I won when it counted.

RT: Are you…

MM: Listen commie! I have already kicked your ass out of here before and I will do so again, right now. I want the nitwit who keeps letting the Russians in here fired!! *Russian reporter picked up and thrown out of the room* The nerve of these people. First, they rig an election, and now they want to hijack my press conference!

Fox Sports: Mickey, what is…

MM: You know what? I’m too damn irritated now to take anymore questions. Go back home people, I’m out. *Leaves*