Mmouse Enterprises Headquarters (HQ1)
Memphis, Tennessee
August 17, 2019
*Lawrence Mason (LM) approaches the podium*
LM: Distinguished members of the press, thank you for coming here today. The Chairman will be with us shortly to give a brief statement and to take some quick questions. Beforehand, he has asked me to say that this building in which you are standing and sitting is now free and clear of any contaminants. Mickey took money out of his own pocket to fix this place up and to make sure that it was safe for all visitors and employees. He did this because he cares about the welfare of his hoards of fans as well as his loyal employees. Mickey also wants to send a message to Benjamin Wade Mouse – the Chairman of BWM Inc. and 10% shareholder of Mmouse Enterprises -; the time has come for civility in our industry. Let’s respect each other’s investments by not attempting to meddle in one another’s affairs outside of the standard competition between us. If you, Benjamin, sell back your shares to Mickey for $200 million before the launch date of PWI and he will forget this whole mess happened as well as give you free back row seats to every show for the entire third season of PWI. Pass up on this deal and we will have no choice but to respond like only we can. Now, please welcome the Chairman, Mickey Marcus Mouse Junior.
*Mickey (MM) enters the room*
MM: As you’ve just heard from Mr. Mason, I have extended a very generous offer to my youngest brother, Benjamin. We may not always see eye to eye, but I am able to give a little for the greater good of all. Moreover, I want to announce that the Mmouse Enterprises website will be completely updated by the end of August to reflect all of the changes here in the past year as well as to include our updated roster, new championships, and updated rules.
One such rule that I am announcing right now is that on “Asylum” there will be no “champion’s advantage” by way of the traditional standards wherein a champion can’t lose their championship on a disqualification. For far too long champions have taken the coward’s way out in escaping with a belt that they by all rights should have ceded upon being disqualified or even counted-out. Now, there will be justice for everyone.
Moreover, there will be a slight change to the rule for the Tag Team Championships to help reduce the “champion’s advantage”, as the rule requiring that both champions must be defeated will be suspended except in the case of pay per view title defenses.
Finally, I am announcing here and now that PWI is considering the launch of a two-match, weekly developmental wrestling program which we will call “PWI Ascendants”. If the Board and the Vice Chair wind up agreeing with this – which we suspect will only be half an hour long at the most – then it should premiere at some point in March or April. Now, for your questions.
Fox Sports: Do you admit that there was a problem with asbestos and mold in this building?
MM: *sighs* Unfortunately, yes, but I will note that we bought this building from my father who had it built in the late-1960s. Back then, not everyone was concerned about certain elements in the air. I actually established an initiative in the early-2000s to deal with this issue when it was brought to my attention that some of the older parts of this building tested positive for asbestos. I’m ashamed to say that my lengthy efforts to have that dealt with before I stepped down in 2014 fell on the deaf ears of certain Board members who are now long gone. That has changed, I can assure you.
Fox Sports: …and the mold?
MM: I don’t remember giving you the nod for a follow-up, but I will politely answer you anyway. The mold was not a problem when I was leading this company up through 2014, and that is all I will say about that.
CNN: Are you saying it was your daughter’s fault?
MM: I’m saying it was not a problem when I was in control. Next question.
NBC Sports: What about the rumors which reportedly leaked suggesting that PWI was considering launching earlier than previously announced?
MM: You people never give up on these rumors, do you? Just know that we are responsibly preparing for the rebirth of wrestling’s greatest source of entertainment. We are officially set to be reborn in early January.
ESPN: What do you make of Benny’s attempt at an olive branch to Catherine?
MM: It is a desperate move, I’m sure. Catherine should remind herself that her uncle is the same incompetent fool who let Ric Venom and Shane Murphy destroy his own company in a matter of two weeks. He always had the power to stop it, but never even tried. He just let a subordinate and a guest tear it all down. Any advice from him is to be taken as seriously as a toddler’s threat. Then again, in Benny’s case, he might want to take a toddler’s threat seriously.
CBS Sports: Didn’t Ric Venom also manage to destroy the USWA with the help of HCW?
MM: That is not relevant to this discussion.
CBS Sports:...but that was the whole plot behind the September 2002 final USWA Pay Per Vi…
MM: I SAID NOT RELEVANT!!! NEXT QUESTION!!!
Sports Illustrated: With the women’s roster growing rapidly after the recent signings, and with the Board forcing a compromise between you and Catherine on having a draft for both gender divisions, do you anticipate that the 40 woman threshold will be met by January?
MM: Yes, and I never doubted it for a second. We are quickly building the greatest women’s roster in the history of this sport, and I am damn proud to say that I was the first wrestling promoter to take women’s wrestling seriously. You will see these magnificent superstars take the industry to new heights over the course of the next year.
RT: Are you prepared to offer praise to Benny for also building an amazing women’s roster?
MM: Who the hell let the Russians in here?! Next question and escort this commie fool out of my building!!
ABC: What are your thoughts on EWA’s women’s roster?
MM: Well, EWA, NEW, ECW, WCW, UWF, and every other wrestling abortion which has sprung from the anus of Benny has always served one good purpose in this industry: training talent for me to capitalize on in the world’s greatest company. In other words, I might consider the first episode of EWA’s to be the first episode of “PWI Ascendants”, because you know it is a matter of time before many of them wind up working for me. Ok, everyone, that is a wrap. I will see you all next time!!
*Leaves, as the press attempts to shout more questions*