Mmouse Enterprises Chairman’s Centre
Knoxville, Tennessee
November 24, 2019
12:30am
(JM = Jeff Murrey)
*Chairman Murrey approaches the podium*
JM: Thank you, members of the press, for taking the time out of your busy lives to hear what I’ve got to say. One week from now we will be recovering from the rebirth of PWI and professional wrestling as a whole. I apologize for this late press conference, as I wanted to welcome you all through those doors behind you 12 hours ago, but we had some conflicts in schedules to work out with two of our three co-Vice Chairs. Now that we finally have those issues dealt with we can get to business. I know that there have been rumors floating around about the purpose of this press conference, and I promise that each of you will have a chance to ask me questions regarding the matter before the night is over. First and foremost, before I introduce Vice Chairs Catherine and Mickey via Skype I wanted to address head-on the serious lawsuit which predates my service as the Chair, but which I am now forced to tackle.
I wholeheartedly condemn the remarks made by Teo alongside his subsequent taunting of the Austin family, and demand a heartfelt apology by him before he competes in next Saturday’s “Six Pack Challenge”. Until he does so I will fine him and Vice Chair Catherine Mouse $10,000 for every show that he appears without an apology. The lawyers representing the Austin family have agreed that this is a reasonable punitive action as an alternative to their lawsuit, especially since the fines collected will be paid out directly to the family. I know you may ask yourself why I am fining Vice Chair Catherine Mouse. The reason is simply that she is the one in charge of “Legends”; the roster to which Teo was drafted. This lawsuit is a major reason why I have called on Catherine to participate in this press conference tonight.
As for Vice Chair Mickey Mouse, I know he has had some interesting things to say about my election as Chairman, and his attacks have been very similar to those of his younger brother. It makes me wonder what side Mickey is on, until I remember that Mickey is only on his own side…the same as his brother Benny. No major scandal is consuming Mickey or his “Asylum” roster right now outside of his apparent inability to cope with the fact that he is no longer in charge coupled with his equal inability to tame what he says on Twitter. So, I have invited him tonight to participate so that we can try and rectify our differences.
Now that I have laid out what we are doing tonight, allow me to introduce two of our three Co-Vice Chairs, Mickey and Catherine Mouse!
*Screens roll down on the walls behind Murrey, as the “Live” Skype feed displays Mickey and Catherine’s faces*
(CM = Catherine Mouse, MM = Mickey Mouse)
JM: Welcome Mickey and Catherine (*the two of them nod*)…do either of you have anything that you want to say? Catherine you first…
CM: Well, Chairman Murrey, I am obviously not too pleased with the decision to fine me. Seems a tad unfair, but I suppose it is meant to incline me to keep the pressure on Teo to do the right thing by apologizing to the family of Terry Austin…
MM: What a crock of shit…
CM: Excuse me?!
JM: Hold on, Mickey, you will get your turn to speak in a moment. Show your daughter some respect.
MM: Eat a dick bag, Jeff.
JM: I don’t believe that is how the expression goes, Mickey.
MM: Oh, I know how it goes. However, telling you to eat a single dick is not sufficient for how I am feeling towards you right now, so I am suggesting that you scarf down an entire bag of them…without removing said dicks from the bag.
JM: You can be an adult at any moment of your choosing, Mr. Vice Chair, just saying.
MM: And you can go back to being the unemployed loser who I sent into obscurity 20 years ago, but here we are.
JM: Whatever, Madame Vice Chair, please continue.
CM: As I was saying…
MM: Back to that crock of shit…
JM: Cut his damn mic for a second! Geez!
CM: *Continues as Mickey screams silently on his Skype Screen* Thank you, Chairman Murrey. Look, Teo needs to apologize and he needs to cut it out with the childish games. I’ve had a number of serious discussions with the Austin family and I have assured them that I will do whatever is in my power to compel Teo to show contrition on this matter. So, I will take this imposed fine and I will match it’s severity by warning Teo that his failure to apologize by the middle of “Greatness Reborn” will result in significant punitive action which he will learn to regret. I am not playing games here. He will learn to not be such a spoiled brat and to comply with the rules or he will pay the consequences.
JM: Very good, Madame Vice Chair, very good. I hope Teo is listening, because his failure to take this seriously may result in action that he can not walk back from. Onward to Mickey, what do you have to say for yourself?
MM: *Mic gets turned back on mid-scream* …UCKERS ARE GOING TO LEARN WHO THE FU…*mic cut again*
JM: Look, there is no reason for language like that, Vice Chairman Mickey. I’m personally ready to move beyond this pettiness. Won’t you agree that the time has come for you to accept things the way they are and just move on for the betterment of our product?
MM: *Seething, but no longer screaming as mic is turned back on*…Look, I know and have ALWAYS known what is best for this company and this industry. I tried to retire, but it became too clear to me with how the Fifth Era unfolded and with how this year began that I was more needed now than ever before. I had us on a path to reclaim our position atop the wrestling world, but now Catherine’s coup has become complete as she unseated me and replaced me with the abject failure hosting a press conference in the name of the COMPANY THAT IIIIIIIIIIIIII BUILT!! You are goddamn right that I am bitter, that I am beside myself, and that I will not relent until I - IIIIIII – lead this great company of MINE back to greatness! I recognize that you are the Chairman of the Board, but you will NEVER amount to anything more than MY BITCH for as long as I am alive. So, unless you have something special you need to tell me I would like to get off this damn feed!
JM: No can do, Mickey, because we are now going to open the floor for some questions.
NBC Sports: Yes, Mr. Murrey, this one is for you. What was the special meeting about the other day?
JM: I convened that meeting to discuss the Austin Lawsuit and contemplate our plan of action. The Board suggested a number of possible responses – none of which I will get into right now, as they were all shot down – and we all settled on the idea I just mentioned: the fining of Teo and Vice Chairwoman Catherine with the demand that a sincere apology be presented in order to lift said fines. All other actions beyond the fines were to be left up to the Vice Chair herself, given her exclusive control over the “Legends” brand.
ESPN: This one is to Mickey, do you seriously believe that the future of this company is in peril in the hands of Mr. Murrey?
MM: WWF, that is all I have to say. Both under his exclusive leadership and when I brought it back in 2008 and put him in charge as Promotional Administrator. The man is hopelessly incompetent and I am just waiting to see him fail miserably so that the Board comes back to me begging for me to retake the Chair.
HBO Sports: Mr. Murrey, what are your thoughts about the response offered by BWM Inc. Chairman Benny Mouse to your election in Mmouse Enterprises?
JM: Benny is a man who knows this industry, but he doesn’t know me. We’ve never had the honest chance to work with each other too much outside of some light collaboration in the late-1990s, briefly when I sold him the UWA Northern Division, and when the UWA later participated in the WOW Super Pay Per View events called “Diplomatic Deficiency” and the second edition of “From Dusk Til Dawn”. Benny and I weren’t buddies and we were hardly business partners either. He claims that he predicted I would become the Chair. I don’t give a rat’s ass, honestly, what he predicted.
The only thing I will say is that he probably saw me as the next Chairman for the same reason the Board at Mmouse Enterprises did: because of my unique vision for the business. I have been involved with this company in one form or another for most of the past 17 years. I partnered - equally - with Mickey to create the UWA in the aftermath of USWA’s closure. I served under Mickey’s leadership in order to manage his incarnation of the WWF, and now I am privileged to get this chance to give Mickey some direction for a change as his new superior. Things have come around full circle, if you ask me. Benny doesn’t have to like it, but he will not be able to ignore the impact of what I will bring to the table in my new role.
Sports Illustrated: Vice Chairwoman Catherine, what serious measures are you contemplating in the event that Teo does not comply in time?
CM: Honestly, I don’t want to foreshadow here at all. I want Teo to imagine the numerous ways in which I can make him pay for his actions. He need only test my resolve for him and the world to find out what happens when you don’t adhere to the standards I set.
Pro Wrestling Illustrated: This question goes to whomever wants to answer it; when can we expect the “Premier Athlete Tournament Roulette” to begin?
JM: I will take this one, actually. The answer is that we will see the first series of matches in the coming weeks. If we don’t yet have all 8 of our first round entrants by the end of December then I will mandate that both “Asylum” and “Legends” must have at least two qualifying matches each Monday night throughout January just so we can get the ball rolling. It is an important tournament with higher stakes than we have seen out of any tournament in the history of our industry. As a reminder, I must note that every qualifying match will be chosen at random without prior notice for the participants.
CBS Sports: Any word on who the mystery entrant is in the Extreme Battle Royal?
CM: That is something for which you will have to wait and see. Be patient, guys, be patient. *Chuckles*
MM: *Mocking the Chuckles and voice* Be patient, be patient, be patient…
JM: Oh please, Mickey, give it up.
MM: As soon as you su…*mic cut*
JM: Thank you, everyone, please stay tuned for more details and be sure to keep tabs on our website. We will be sharing the final set of interviews in preparation for the show by Sunday night! *Leaves as the screens roll back up*