Mmouse Enterprises HQ2
Nashville, Tennessee
October 28, 2019
(CM: Catherine Mouse)
*Catherine enters the room, gazes at the press, and looks to her handlers behind the curtain before approaching the podium*
CM: Thank you, members of the press, for coming here at this late hour. While I made sure to give you all approximately 12 hours notice of this event, I am genuinely appreciative of your presence here. My comments will be as brief as possible, because I want to get right to your questions as quickly as I can.
October 2019 will forever be remembered as the most tumultuous month in the history of this company, and this entire year will be remembered in like fashion. In my press release a few days ago, I addressed many of the concerns of the fans, pundits, co-workers, board members, and even our competitors. In that press release I also called for the Board of Directors to vote for a demotion of rank for my father from his current title of “Chair” to “Co-Vice Chair” and for him to be replaced in the chair by an objective third party. I am tonight – in the first of my numerous announcements – here to reveal that the anonymous Co-Vice Chair has sent me and the Board a letter of support for my proposal, and I have learned that the majority of the Board is with me. With the news, I am calling a Special Board Meeting immediately following this press conference in the Board Room located here at HQ2 whereat we shall consider my proposal. Naturally, my father is invited to partake, but I have my doubts that he will attend; as he has indicated to his confidantes that he regards HQ2 as an illegitimate Corporate Headquarters for this company.
Dealing with the Chairmanship issue is vital, because it is more than a title. My father is presently endowed with powers which he has no problem abusing and which I am powerless to stop alone as a Vice Chair. While my decisions require the Board’s approval, my father’s decisions – per the By-Laws he wrote over 20 years ago – do not require their approval. Despite the fact that he is no longer the majority shareholder as he was back then, his dictatorial powers remain unchanged as if his ownership were unchanged. The Board literally has to vote unanimously to overrule him without my support and the support of the other Co-Vice Chair. If he were demoted to Co-Vice Chair tonight he would face all the same restrictions the same as myself and our mystery cohort. That’s why I am urging the Board to vote with me on this proposal to restore sanity and stability to our company.
Now, on to the second bit of news. I believe we have finally discovered the source of those ridiculous rumors which were spreading in the summer about an early sta…*Catherine’s microphone is suddenly cut off, creating confusion in the room.*
*The lights in the room dim, and a projector screen turns on behind Catherine. Seconds later a familiar cackling can be heard over the speakers as the screen reveals Mickey laughing hysterically at his HQ1 desk in Memphis*
Mickey Mouse: Thank you, Catherine. I will take it from here. First and foremost, before I get to the important news of what is to come, let me laugh a little more at the hyperventilating show of drama put on display by my misguided child. *Laughs out loud while slapping his desk* Oh, that’s good. I needed that laugh.
What Catherine was going to tell you is that the source she had discovered was a former employee of mine. This individual was a janitor who overheard a number of officials chatting with network executives about TV deals. The idiot had no idea the importance of what he was hearing and was trying to get famous by being the “deep throat” of professional wrestling…kind of like my ex-wife, Jane.
Anyways, before the World of Wrestling – an organization I should have dissolved when I was in control of it 5 years ago – instituted their universal ban against any promotion starting before December I was in talks with these networks about launching the PWI on the 24th Anniversary of WPW’s debut on October 5th. Unfortunately, the surprise launch – which was sure to rock the wrestling world, catch my nitwit brother off guard, and give the fans what they want – was spoiled by the human waste who sought personal gain over the interests of his employers. When Benny learned about the rumors and was prematurely shaken by the prospect of PWI coming back over two months before the EWA he went to the World of Wrestling and begged them to stop me, and since those fools have always leaned in his favor – just like my pushover parents, who undoubtedly felt bad for their “special” child – they gave him everything he wanted.
So, that change forced a shift in strategy and in the talks with those networks. While I certainly pondered risking a fine from the World of Wrestling just to stick it to them, recent developments have convinced me that Catherine and her mysterious admirer would have undoubtedly exploited my bold act as the true leader of this company to turn the Board against me and force a unanimous vote to depose me completely. So, before this coup – as laid out by my daughter tonight - comes in the wee hours of the night, I am going to make what may well be my final decree as the greatest Chair MY company will ever know, a decree that I have full confidence will eventually be embraced by the Board and perhaps even the chief mutineers leading the way to topple me.
Since the World of Wrestling wants to micromanage the timetable for professional wrestling’s return as the chief source of entertainment for the people, I will oblige them with the biggest middle finger possible; by upstaging Benny yet again. On Sunday, December 1st, the PWI will return with our “Greatness Reborn” Opening Day Pay Per View, instead of its original date of January 6th! To the fans who purchased tickets for the original date, you will be fully refunded if you can’t attend, but I am going to add a bonus for everyone who can attend: free tickets for the first month of PWI shows!!
Finally, one last announcement, PWI “Ascendants” will debut the Saturday after “Greatness Reborn” – that is December 7th –, and will air from that point forward. The only exception will be on the 21st and the 28th, because our stars will not be forced to compete over the holidays. So, there you have it. Take it away, Catherine, if you can.
*Laughs as the feed is cut*
*Catherine appears stunned as the screen rolls back up and the lights come back on*
CM: …I’m not sure how to follow that. We’ve taken enough of your time. Let’s get to these questions, without restrictions…as promised.
ESPN: Madame Vice Chair…I can only imagine what is going through your mind right now. Care to share your thoughts on what we just saw?
CM: *Sighs* What you see with my father is the hyper-masculine persona with which he was raised, a scourge on all of male-dominated society. Even though this was my press conference – albeit a press conference representing the company he presently chairs and which he founded -, he felt compelled to interrupt me and cast his shadow over me even now. What I can say about this is that it will end tonight. The Board undoubtedly saw what we all just saw, and I am confident that even his loyalists won’t feel comfortable supporting his continued use of the iron fist.
CBS Sports: Care to comment on the incredible news he just broke?
CM: Which part?
CBS Sports: All of it.
CM: Well, my uncle was right in his suspicions about my father’s intentions. I was not privy to the negotiations he mentioned, and I was conducting my own internal investigation into the rumors. He was correct in noting that the source was a former employee, but what he left out was the part that the gentleman was fired after first being demoted to janitor by my father. The man was demoted because he talked to the press about a separate matter entirely. More specifically, this man was also the source to the press about the argument between my father and I about From Dusk Til Dawn. He had served as an advisor to my father and when Mickey learned about this gentleman being the source of that breaking news he was punished with janitorial duties. The gentleman then took this to so much offense that he shared the details of the network negotiations with the press.
Regarding the early launch of our Opening Day, I guess that there is nothing I can do about it for reasons I’ve just noted. This is why it is urgent to demote him as soon as possible, before he causes anymore harm. Hell, you heard him right there note he was willing to incur fines from the World of Wrestling Organization just to make a point. He is childish and seriously ill-equipped to continue on as the unquestioned Chairman of Mmouse Enterprises.
NBC Sports: Catherine, with your uncle's support and the support of the anonymous shareholder, you've been successful in overturning the company's stance on mixed gendered wrestling. What do you make of Benny's support and do you know the identity of the investor?
CM: I appreciate the support of my uncle, but I also know that he is operating as a crafty member of Earth’s wealthiest and most clever billionaire family. He is a businessman as much as he is my uncle. I will happily attend family outings with him, but we remain competitors. In other words, I have deep respect for him and all that he has accomplished, but I look forward to the hardworking men and women under my employ besting him in the ratings. As for the investor, I wish I knew. I had investigated the question quite extensively back in August to no avail. Whoever they are, they are very good at covering their tracks.
Sports Illustrated: What do you suppose this early launch means for the weekly PWI Monday programs of “Legends” and “Asylum”?
CM: From what I heard and as far as I can tell, nothing about that schedule changed. Both shows look like they remain scheduled for premieres in January on the 13th and 20th, respectfully. I anticipate that this will not change, because the Board is intent on debuting these shows to counter-program the EWA’s return to Monday nights. As for “Ascendants”, one of the announcements I was going to make eventually – I guess I will make it tonight considering the major news we’ve already broken – is that the format for this Saturday programming will be quite simple. There will be two matches – one featuring “Legends” superstars, and one featuring “Asylum” superstars – and there will be a special “Ascendants Spotlight” segment which will have Lawrence Mason conducting an in-ring interview with a superstar or team which we want to highlight. The interview will serve as the intermission between the two matches. I guess the fans will now get to see this starting in just over a month.
Pro Wrestling Illustrated: Who do you think will be the first Knockout’s Champion?
CM: Oh, going right for it, aren’t you? Well, Benny and my father conduct business in very similar yet very different ways. In some areas you can see their plan coming from a mile away, then there are moments where they truly are gifted in hitting an unexpected homerun. I am inclined to agree with much of what my Uncle Lenny has predicted, but I think that the first Knockouts Champion won’t be a dominant powerhouse like Rousey. This thing could go to someone like Charlotte or even an underdog like Nikki Cross. Either way, I will be watching it intently.
ABC Sports: Who are YOU rooting for in that tournament?
CM: It would be too cliché to say my cousin, right? *Laughs*
CNN Sports: What if tonight’s vote fails?
CM: After what we just witnessed? There’s not a chance it will.
CNN Sports: But what if it does?
CM: Then, folks, things are going to get pretty interesting real fast. My father is very predictable in what he does, and I know that better than anyone else. He is power hungry and it is only getting worse with age. I have no doubt that he would abuse his power further to try and press his tyrannical thumb down on my attempts to try and improve our product. He would continue to use our budget as his piggy bank to thumb his nose at the World of Wrestling and his greatest enemy: Benny. I’m not positive that we could sustain such conditions for very long before being forced to shut this operation down. That’s why this vote MUST succeed tonight.
New York Times: Some rumors about the investor believe that it could either be Jeff Murrey or Blaster Bladwick. Thoughts?
CM: I worked with Murrey and was intimate with Blaster. With Jeff, I can say that he is bitter to his core about what Mickey did to him in the 1990s and how Mickey embarrassed him every chance he got when Mickey came to work here after the LWF closed shop in 2004, but I don’t believe that Jeff Murrey is remotely interested in being a major shareholder in the company which forced his first major company – the World Wrestling Federation - into bankruptcy.
As for Blaster, I know it is an easy go-to for people to speculate this given the history between him and Mickey, but those same people forget that Mickey and Blaster resolved their differences in the UWA in 2010 with Mickey giving the final UWA Championship to Blaster, over Dragonfly. I know Blaster personally, and was even pregnant with his child. He would laugh off the prospect of being a major shareholder in this company. It’s just not him.
National Enquirer: Catherine…
CM: Oh boy, here we go…
National Enquirer: …did you really abort Blaster’s baby, as you claimed in 2009?
CM: Under normal circumstances I would reject that disgusting question, but I promised that no questions would be prohibited. So, this is a very touchy issue for me. An abortion is not a decision easily made by any woman. I remain confident that I made the right decision at the time. Was it wrong to use this issue as an attack against Blaster ten years ago? Perhaps, but I made the decision I did at the time while thinking about the turmoil my relationship was going to have on the family and even on my career. I know this sounds selfish, and it is to a certain degree, but it was my decision to make…alone. I wish we had more time for questions, but I need to get to this special board meeting. Thank you everyone for coming!
*Catherine exits the room, as the press actually applauds*